Every person, male or female, has both masculine and feminine energy. Masculine energy is the ‘doing’ energy. It’s the energy of competition, taking charge, of thinking and doing. It’s in the head. It’s how you get a career or get things done. Feminine energy is more concerned with receiving. It’s about feelings.
These two energies are the perfect contrast. Healthy men need feminine energy, which they can’t provide for themselves. It is also a good filter against toxic people.
Narcissistic or disordered men are not going to be as attracted to a woman who is in her feminine energy.
I grew up with a narcissistic working mother who was not as interested in spending time with me, but my grandmothers did. They were a huge influence on my life. They taught me things that, when I was younger, I thought were a bit strange because no one else knew them. In the end, they were a gift and became my power. I healed my life through those feminine arts that they had taught me.
In my abusive marriage and other abusive relationships, I lost touch with my feminine essence. You may think you’re in your feminine essence when you’re constantly doing for others and bending over backwards for others, but that is actually masculine energy. Masculine energy is about protecting and taking care of others, while feminine energy is about laying back and receiving.
When I got married for the first time, I had an agenda. I had a schedule I wanted to meet. I was in this transitional period in my life and I wanted to belong somewhere. I had just been rejected by my parents, and I left Los Angeles, where I had been my whole life. I really wanted to find a man and start building a life with him.
I found a man who seemed crazy about me who I had so much in common with, and he love-bombed me somewhat, but really he was showing me his true colors right from the start and I didn’t want to see it because I wanted the relationship to work.
Had I been in a healthy place, in control of my feminine energy and less desperate and had less of an agenda, I would have picked up on these red flags and made fewer mistakes. I could have been less frantic. A narcissistic man wouldn’t be as interested in a woman in control of her feminine energy because they want conflict and drama.
When you’re practicing being your healthy feminine energy, there isn’t a lot of drama. Even though you do talk about your feelings a lot, you’re not arguing or accusing them of anything. You’re not attacking anyone. You’re just talking about your feelings.
When my marriage broke up, I got into some trauma counseling. I did know what I felt or wanted. It was scary. I was in a group of women and they asked us about our wants, and I could identify what I wanted or felt. While in the relationship, I usually felt confused. I experienced a lot of cognitive dissonance.
If you’re in your feminine essence, you’re in touch with your feelings. You speak from an emotional place. You’re always very honest if something upsets you. If you’re in a dysfunctional relationship with someone who has a personality disorder, you are practiced at deception. Deception is a big part of your life. Not only are they lying and they have a false self, but so do you. You have suspended your disbelief and gone along with this false reality. You also will not be honest about your own needs and feelings because there is no place for them in a narcissistic relationship.
If, like me, you were raised this way, you may not even be aware of this. I transferred what I had grown up with into my relationship. I wasn’t honest about my needs, feelings, and what was going on in the relationship. I was being abused and neglected. When I was in the relationship, I never used the word “abused”. Only until well after the relationship was over did even acknowledge it as abuse or mistreatment. Only after my family relationships broke up did I label them as emotionally abusive, because by then it was undeniably obvious that’s exactly what they were.
When we’re looking at a narcissistic relationship and you see it’s at the peak of its dissatisfaction, and you’re breaking up, look at the course of the relationship. What changed about you? When I did this for myself, I saw that I had my own things going on: friends, activities, classes, a job, a whole life. By the time it was over ten years later, I had withdrawn from everything and everything was centered around him. Because he was mistreating me, I was protecting him and not telling anyone. My family was mistreating me as well.
Towards the end, I had also had a major health crisis. Narcissistic personalities do not want to be bothered with someone in a health crisis. They don’t want to have anything to do with someone in any kind of crisis. They resent other peoples’ needs, even their own wife or children. They will resent you for having needs. The fact that I was having this health crisis was a red flag for him that he needed to get out.
When my marriage broke up, it was a disaster because I had no balance to my life. Besides having an abusive family and an abusive family, I had really set myself up for trouble. One of the biggest things is that you always have to be willing to walk away. Female energy is not about being a doormat. It’s about having firm boundaries, but being soft and relaxed. It’s about being accepting and somewhat soothing.
The world is a tough place that we all, men and women, have to go out and compete and live in. It can be unkind. The only connection that will work in a relationship is one with your heart. You can connect mind, body, and soul, but that won’t work long-term. Only connecting with your heart will work long-term.
Narcissistic men are different than other men. You can’t have a heart connection with them. They can be manipulative with their early communications, like ghosting. You may try to get them and their attention back by trying methods such as dressing sexier, but these are masculine energy thoughts. It may be confusing because dressing up in lingerie is a feminine activity, but the doing is masculine.
Another common mistake I made was to get focused on one guy. You want to be dating several guys at once. Until they’ve made a real commitment to you, like if they say they want to get married (if marriage is your goal), you don’t owe it to them to date them exclusively. It’s important to keep your options open. Even after you’re exclusive, you need to have other people you like to do certain activities with, or to just talk to. Other people help stimulate you in other ways. Of course you need to have friends. Always keep working on yourself. This will bring more balance to your life, so if something happens to your relationship, you’ll be okay, which I wasn’t.
In my case, my life with my ex got very intertwined. He did a smear campaign and ruined a lot of my relationships. Even before that, I had withdrawn and isolated myself from other people. I had made him the focus of everything. This made it so much harder when the relationship ended. Had I been in the right headspace, I could have anticipated a lot of what happened. It takes a certain amount of self-esteem and self-love to do this.
If you’re in a narcissistic relationship that’s breaking up, you need to heal yourself and learn these skills. This way, when you approach dating again, you’ll do it from a completely different perspective. It will be so much easier after experiencing a narcissistic relationship, because a narcissist can never be won over or pleased. You won’t be trying to be so perfect, or fix him.
Often, a narcissistic will have some sort of sad story or need your help. He wants you to see his potential and be the wind underneath his wings. That is NOT your job. This is one mistake I was doing that many others do who are in a relationship with a narcissist. If you put the energy and time into yourself that you put into this other person, pining away after them and crying about them, what could have you done? Where could you be right now? It’s really shocking looking at it that way.
Think in terms of feeling language. I feel, I felt, I’m feeling. Get used to those words. Get used to talking about your feelings and identifying what they are. Coming out of a narcissistic relationship, you are very numb to your feelings. Get back in touch with them, because your feelings are where your power is. You can numb your feelings, but your body is paying attention.
I had a heart attack at 33 years old and had a near-death experience. I was numbing my feelings, putting a smile on my face, acting like things were fine, and it nearly killed me. Your body is keeping track of your feelings even if you’re not. Your mind is not reliable, so go into your feelings.